Tag

sarcasm

Yet Another Stupid Rent-A-Cop Incident

By funny, life, rants, sarcasm

Anyone that knows me fairly well knows I like driving out to the country. If gas was cheaper, I’d cruise around aimlessly every day. There’s such a sense of freedom that comes with traversing the open road late at night, away from the light pollution of the suburbs.

One of my favorite places to go is Beaumont On The James, a roadside pulloff slash park and boat landing, off Route 522 in Powhatan County, on the James River. It’s beautiful out there, and a wonderful place for stargazing. It’s pitch black at night and completely quiet and peaceful, save for a few other souls who venture out therefor the same reasons on occasion. With the price of gas and my 17 MPG Xterra, however, this fifty-mile (there and back total) trek is no longer a frequent option.

That being said, I decided to only venture out a little ways last night. Rochelle and I were driving around, talking about this and that and working on some script ideas for upcoming RCC dramas. We were headed through the West Creek office park complex in eastern Goochland at the time. Deciding my tank of gas would dry up long before our conversation did, I figured I should put it in park eventually or I’d just drive around all night. So, we pulled into one of the parking lots for just a few minutes.

Not even five minutes into our stay, an SUV pulls up to my car. It was very obvious that it wasn’t a police car. Nope, it was a rent-a-cop, I’m guessing from the office park. I just laughed when he pulled up, because apparently I’m a rent-a-cop magnet (most of you will recall my VCU Police incident slash misunderstanding a few months back, plus other incidents).

So after I had a good chuckle, I put my window down and very politely said hello and that we weren’t doing anything wrong and would head on our way. In the SUV was a grumpy old man who spoke with a strain in his voice that was a result of his failed efforts to sound stern and threatening. He swiftly barked at me, “You are tresspassing! Leave immediately or I’ll report your license to the police!” All cops, real ones or fake (as was in this case) seem to have a coherent attitude towards people of my age group. No matter how cooperative or respectful you are of them, they still all seem to go on the defense right off the bat. I guess it’s understandable considering how some people my age would probably get into some sort of mischief out there, but come on, I wasn’t doing anything wrong and wouldn’t have even gone in there if I saw any sort of “no trespassing” signs. I didn’t see any posted.

So as I was backing out, the guy annoyingly used the only “weapon” he had on him: his flashlight. He waved it around in a circular motion and tried to blind me as I went in reverse. What the crap. He seemed like he was way more afraid of me for some reason, despite how nice I was to him, than I was of him (which was not at all).

So there you have it, another day, another “rent-a-force” (or farce) story. It’s funny how the people who actually do wrong in these places get away with it and people like me who do nothing get all the heat. Oh well, at least it gives me a good laugh every time.

Oh, and in other news, this morning as I was pulling out of my neighborhood, a Henrico County policeman (yeah, a real police officer story for once) had pulled over a golf course maintenance truck on the cart path! How great is that? Granted, he may have done something on the road and just caught up to the guy once he hit the golf course, but still, that’s priceless.

God Help Us All, Dollar Tree Now Sells Meat

By business, food, funny, sarcasm

You’ve got to be kidding me. I like Dollar Tree for some things, but this is ridiculous. This is an actual newspaper ad I scanned in from the Richmond Times-Dispatch. Dollar Tree is now offering hot dogs and even, get this, steaks! How much? A dollar, of course. Just like everything else. Does this not scare and worry anyone else? I was already weary of buying meat at Food Lion, but this makes them look pretty good. Also, notice the top right hand corner. Dollar Tree is apparently “graduation party headquarters?” Well of course! Wow, this is like one of those headlines people send in to Jay Leno.

The DTV Switchover Scam: Don’t Get Taken!

By business, news, opinion, rants, sarcasm, technology

You’ve probably seen those not-so-creative TV advertisements the National Association Of Broadcasters has put out in an effort to scare inform the general public about how their TVs will no longer work after February 17, 2009. Why? The federal government has mandated that all over-the-air stations turn off their analog signals by that date. The government has auctioned off the analog spectrum to private companies. For more on this, see my post, “AT&T To Bring Free Wi-Fi To Starbucks And Beyond!” where you can learn more about the plans.

Anyway, leave it to Corporate America to capitalize on consumer confusion and take advantage of all of the many people who don’t know anything about what’s really going on with the digital switchover.

Oh, before I go any further, please notice the picture on the left. I added my own caption commentary, but the picture is for real. It’s on the joke-of-a-website DTVAnswers.com. Lets have a moment of honesty and self-reflection here. Do you or anyone you know watch TV like this? Unless they just gambled their life savings on a horse race and just won, there is no way they could be this scary-happy without hard drugs. But I digress.

These TV ads are putting many people in a frenzy. My friend’s family just replaced every TV in their house because they thought without a new TV, each with a digital box connected to it, they wouldn’t be able to watch TV anymore. They already had Comcast standard cable, but they thought they needed both new TVs and to upgrade to Comcast’s digital package (hence the digital boxes) to receive programming. Comcast’s boxes and the ones the government is offering are completely different! The cable industry is raking in the big bucks this year because of misinformed people such as this family.

My grandparents recently got a second digital box from Comcast for their second TV because of the same confusion. I know there must be countless other individuals doing the same thing and flushing money down the tubes to these companies who are using shady advertising tactics to trick consumers. Don’t get screwed over by the cable industry. Here are the cold, hard facts.

If you’re one of the diminishing number of people who uses “rabbit ears” to pick up local broadcast stations and have a TV that’s more than a couple of years old, you won’t be able to pick up the signal after February 17, 2009, without a digital set-top converter box (available free or at a discount rate from the government). If you have cable from any provider at all, such as Comcast or Verizon, you don’t have to do anything. You’re not affected in any way, shape, or form, and don’t let them convince you otherwise.

The government isn’t very clear about who’s affected either. Is this Bush’s backdoor plan to help the economy by helping manufacturers selling millions of dollars TVs and related equipment and the cable and satellite industry make record profits? Okay, probably not. But that is what’s happening in these industries. Don’t get taken!

 

Paula Deen Is Crazy, But Entertaining

By funny, sarcasm, videos

So I spent some time at home with the family last night because it seems I’m always gone. We went out to dinner and then got home and were flipping channels. My mom stopped on the Food Network (big surprise) and we watched the show “Paula’s Party” with Paula Deen. Okay, I wasn’t really watching at first, but then I started noticing all the crazy stuff she was doing. I really should have gone upstairs and hooked my digital cable box to my computer and recorded it, if not to upload to YouTube, just for future entertainment. She’s so over-the-top crazy, at least she was on this episode, I couldn’t believe it.

Now granted she is a likeable woman with southern charm and hospitality, she was ridiculous on this episode. First, she had Billy Joel’s new 20-something wife, Katie Lee Joel, on to help her make some kind of dessert that combined chocolate, caramel, and every other sugary substance known to mankind in a way that should require that it’s served alongside a portable defibrillator. It was pretty much a heart attack on a plate. Well, Paula didn’t waste any time shoving the thing into her mouth and smearing it all over her face as she did it. Nice.

Oh but it gets better. Her next guest was some Austrialian guy that owns “chocolate restaurants” all over the world. He brought these huge slabs of chocolate with him to cook with, which he melted in a bowl. Paula then proceeds to stick her fingers in the bowl and smear chocolate all over his bald head while laughing hysterically (she sounds like a mad hyena or something).

She’s a nice lady and all, but man. She’s a little out of her mind if you ask me. I seriously thought I was watching an SNL or MAD TV sketch. That’s how ridiculous it was. Seriously. She also makes really strange faces all the time as she stuffs the food in her mouth that she just made. This short clip sums up a half hour of them on this episode.

Store Brand FAIL

By FAIL, funny, sarcasm

This has to be the worst store brand name idea I’ve ever seen. Came across this in the cereal aisle at Food Lion. Isn’t there anything better they could have come up with than “Crispy Hexagons?” Seriously, that’s pretty weak. They’re already knockoff Crispix, so you’d think at least they’d have a clever name. Not so much.

My Parents’ (Lack Of) Faith In Me

By Uncategorized

So my parents and sister just left for a week long trip to New York City. I’ve got this big, lonely house to myself, and apparently they think I just may parish without a detailed instruction list of things for me to do this week. Actually, on second thought, I really don’t blame them at all, knowing me! I scanned it in just for laughs, check it out (Oh and in case you’re wondering what half of it’s all about, we have four cats):

The Game Of Love: My Take On Dating, Relationships, And The Game Of It All

By Uncategorized

Truth be told, I have not been in all that many relationships, just a few here and there, nothing serious and nothing lasting more than three months. Why? Lately I’m just too busy for a girlfriend, but from my last relationship (two years ago) and back, I was never committed to anything really, including having a relationship. That’s the complete opposite now, but ironically I just wouldn’t have time for a girlfriend now (assuming someone even happened to come along). I really don’t care anymore, because my time will come. Now while I couldn’t speak much from a perspective of being in a relationship, I’ve been around so many people and listened to so many countless stories about friends and their relationships, I could probably write a book on it one day.

Now I’m no expert on anything of course and I’m generally one of those people who knows a little about a lot rather than a lot about a little, but I just wanted to share some of my personal observations about how it seems guys and girls interact, and how relationships work out (or don’t). I see and hear the same things again, and again, and again, and for that reason could probably predict how long most of my friends will remain in their respective relationships. It’s no skill, it’s just picking up on the same patterns between everyone and making the connections. Nothing’s straightforward when it comes to relationships, in fact it’s all just one big game. I’m just the guy on the sidelines making informed commentary based on how the same plays were made repetitively. Here’s what I’ve observed thus far (hang on, I’ve had all of this inside me for a good while, it’s gonna be quite a ride):

  • Girls, despite how bad they talk about them in the end, love guys who treat them badly. There’s no way around this one. They gravitate towards them. Even if you’re a girl who says you like “nice guys,” you’ll probably date a couple that seem nice and end up treating you like dirt. Why? At least by observing some female friends of mine, they all seem to have one common objective with this type of guy: “See if he likes me enough to change his ways just for me.” There’s something girls love about this. I’ll never quite get it. All I know is I’ll hear repeatedly from friends who are girls about how wonderful some guy is and then a week or two later I’ll hear about what a jerk he is or how he wronged her in some way.
  • Availability, or lack thereof, is huge. Whether you’re a guy or girl, we all want what we can’t have. Isn’t it ironic how we adore the ones that ignore us, ignore the ones who adore us, love the ones that hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us? If someone’s not available or doesn’t want a relationship with you, you want them all the more. I’ve learned personally that if you’re always around, it’s just completely undesirable to a girl. I guess it’s just the thrill of the hunt or something. It all goes back to the stupid game.
  • It really is all one big game. I’ve mentioned this a couple times already, but it really is nothing more than a game. I’ve never been good at any sport outside of bowling and mini-golf, (If they ever form an Olympic Putt-Putt Team, sign me up, maybe I’ll make something of my life, but I digress) but it seems just like with any real sport, you just have to learn the rules, practice at it, and you’ll end up winning.
  • Girls think it hurts less to sugarcoat things. Guys, we’ve probably all been struck down at some point (I have plenty), and we’ve all heard the excuses (these are ones I’ve personally heard): “Oh I just don’t want a relationship right now.” (And the next week she’s in a relationship) “You’re a great guy and are so fun to be around, but I don’t see you like that.” (Because she prefers the type of scumbag guys you might pick up at the Waffle House at 3:00 AM to someone that will actually treat her well) “It’s not you, it’s me.” (Yeah usually this is a bunch of crap) Let me tell you this, I’ve heard everything in the book, and girls, it hurts a whole lot less just to be straightforward, honest, and frank to our faces rather than say all these things that may have some truth to them but are not the way you feel. Just give it to us straight so we can move on with our lives rather than be all hung up on you because we’re not sure why you think we’re such “great guys” but yet you don’t want to have anything to do with us.
  • It’s every man for himself, winner take all, and survival of the fittest. Girls like a guy who is strong both physically and in his pursuit of them. I’ve lost out plenty of times because I’ve never been that competitive and I don’t particularly like conflict, so I just back down. But sometimes you have to man up and go out and get what you want. Sometimes it’s the only way.
  • Take a number and wait in line. “Now serving #716!” Just like going to the DMV or the deli counter at Ukrop’s, you’re probably just a number to whatever girl you’re after. This used to bother me, but I’m over it now. You’ve gotta get over it. I’ve felt intimidated in the past by the “pro league” girls who’ve been playing the game for a while. You can’t let this intimidate you, because if it does, it will show and you’ve probably squashed your chances with that girl. Play the game inwardly as if you’re just another one in line to date her, but outwardly show her you’re the only one and the best choice.
  • Stop complaining and start changing. I’ve seen many people, mainly male friends, be unhappy with their dating scenarios and change themselves in order to bring about the results they want. Focus on finding patterns. If you see that things don’t work out over and over again, there’s almost always a common factor. Identify it, then work on changing that particular trait. Whether you’re too annoying, talk people’s ears off (guilty as charged), or think you could be in better shape, identify problem areas and make small changes. They will go a long, long way. I’ve tried a few of these and they really do make a big difference.

So there you have it. It’s on the table, take it or leave it. None of this is to say I know any more than anyone else, I’ve just really payed close attention to friends’ relationships and situations and honed in on the patterns therein. I will follow up to this with more posts in the future. This is just the beginning. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and were at least entertained!

A Grande Nonfat Chai Tea Latte For Thomas?

By Uncategorized

Well this is a new one. I can’t count how many times people have thought my name was Travis (though I still don’t understand why that’s such a common thing that happens to me, because honestly I haven’t really met any more people named Travis than Trevor in my lifetime, but I digress). Well this morning at the Cabell Library Starbucks at VCU, I ordered my usual pick-me-up, a grande nonfat Chai Tea Latte. They ask for your name with your order at this particular location because it’s so incredibly busy, and the lady asked mine twice because I guess she couldn’t hear me. But I ended up with Thomas on my cup. I don’t know I just found that interesting. How in the world do you get Thomas from Trevor? Yet more proof that I really don’t exist, especially at VCU, like I posted about a few weeks earlier. Thought I’d snap a quick picture of it. Too funny.

Questioning My Own Existence

By Uncategorized

I’m really starting to question my own existence. Yesterday was just my final proof that I don’t really live in this world. I guess I’m in some alternate reality or some crap like that. Okay, so I’m just being a tad bit sarcastic as usual, but it always seemed funny to me how I was left off of any and all lists that my name could be on. It’s not that no one thinks I exist, just anyone related to any educational establishment, apparently. Deep Run and VCU.

It started my Freshman year of high school. I had purchased a yearbook, but for some reason the lists at the end of the year had absolutely no indication that I had ever paid for one. The next year, when the student information sheets that everyone in the entire Henrico County Public Schools system receives to verify and update name, address, and other contact information, I didn’t get one, and they said they weren’t sure if there was a record of me in their information database. They had one somewhere and finally figured it out, but how’s that for strange?

Well, yesterday was my final indication in case I needed any more proof that I do not exist on this earth, at least according to any educational entity. I was at the Alpine Bagel Company inside the commons at VCU trying to grab a bagel before class. Not so much to ask, right? Well I guess I was wrong. The girl looked me straight in the face and took my order, I paid for it, and then she forgot she was supposed to make mine. After waiting for ten minutes while seemingly fifty more people were served who were in line behind me, she apologized and said my bagel was coming right up. Well, apparently it slipped her mind again and she served a few more people before I walked up to the counter and watched her make the freaking thing. I was like one of those dumb magic shows on prime time TV where they’re like “Watch closely as Veronica is sawed in half; this camera will not cut away…”. I barely blinked as she smeared cream cheese on my bagel until it was nestled safely in my hands.

So I wanted my typical Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks to go with it. I walked over to the Cabell Library to get my fix of my favorite drink, and, yep you guessed it, repeat situation. They forgot me once there, which I guess is a better track record than the bagel place, but wow. I’m gonna have to start lighting traffic flares from on top of my head and wave around sparklers or something to make sure people know I’m around I guess. Maybe a flashing LED “Trevor needs food just like everyone else in line” wouldn’t hurt, either. I’ll just wear it around my forehead or something.